I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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