so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
