I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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