woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
