There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize