Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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