Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
