Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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