About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
