my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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