thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize