is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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