Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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