Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
