dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
