I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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