Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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