I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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