i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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