There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
