the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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