they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
