i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
