I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
