I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
