Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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