dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
