please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
