yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
