Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
