Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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