We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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