Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
