i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
