Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
