I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
