I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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