So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
