i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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