i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
