If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
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