oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
