hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
