If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
