Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
