my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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