i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
