There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
