just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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