Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
