Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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