I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize