Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize