I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
