My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
